Told A yesterday that I'm thinking about trying to quit drinking, that the negative consequences have begun to outweigh the positives.
(We were of course drinking when we had this conversation.)
He was very uncomfortable as I explained this--I'm not sure why, as there could be myriad reasons and he's not so big on detailing his emotions--but he said that I should do what I want to do.
Right. So.
Permission notwithstanding, I don't want to stop drinking, isn't that ironic? I find that as I progress in putting a sort of framework in place to do so, I have less and less desire to follow through. I might prefer to maintain the liquidy enjoyments of my current behaviors, you know? Last night I had a geekfest with a friend and a bunch of his friends, Dungeons & Dragons, very fun. But these people are total drinkers whom I'll probably have to give up if I take the path of sobriety, because otherwise I wouldn't be able to stay sober.
I don't have enough friends here to spare 4 or 5 for the sake of not drinking. Nor do I (consistently) want to.
None of which is to say that I'm off the path of exploration. I will go to the therp on Wednesday for sure, and today I bought another recovery book. I think what I want to convey here is that all this is fucking conflicted. It's lacking in the clarity I generally experience during major life changes.
From what I've been reading, there remains even now a considerable dispute in the scientific community about the nature of alcohol dependency. The DSM-IV classifies it as a psychological disorder, whereas numerous persona within the larger medical community emphasize the physical aspects: those prone to alcoholism metabolize alcohol very differently than others, and this tendency has a genetic component. Part of the importance of this debate centers on treatment strategies; another part pertains to the so-called "moral" component of the condition. AA, for example, contends that a significant aspect of alcoholism is the ethical failures of the alcoholic, on multiple fronts, to face the risks of addiction and to address life problems without resorting to alcohol usage.
This may well be true. But it may also contribute to a certain reluctance on the part of soul-searching types to accept the alcoholic moniker, hmm?
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This is none of my business, and I know I will regret it as soon as I post this. But I am so angry that I have to do it. I will say to you what I never had the guts to say to my father, who is most likely dying. You are killing yourself. Not to be dramatic, but you are choosing suicide. This is, of course, your choice. But I can't watch it again.
ReplyDeleteOf course it's your business.
ReplyDeleteWhat you are watching, I am pretty sure, is actually the process of me deciding not to choose suicide. That's not to suggest you shouldn't be angry or that you should keep reading, though in a completely selfish sense I hope you will because I need you.
You shouldn't regret what you posted. You're the first person who has stated directly to me how my drinking has affected them. It's hitting hard.
I know you know this, but I'm so sorry about your dad.