Having had a rough couple of days, I decided to make today a Recovery Monday. I went to two women's AA meetings plus a session with E, leaving me with plenty to write about but little energy to do so.
In brief, though: women's meetings kick ass. I've learned a lot from listening to men, too. But several things have happened at almost all the male-female meetings I've attended:
1. I'm more shy about speaking up.
2. I'm more socially awkward.
3. I nevertheless can't help checking out the menfolk. Bad, bad, bad.
4. I get hugged and/or given a lengthy hand-holding greeting by an old guy.
5. I end up so uncomfortable that I flee as soon as the meeting ends and therefore fail to connect with people.
There have been exceptions to all of the above, certainly. But women's meetings feel warmer and safer. I'm more myself and a bit less nervous. Hugs occur but do not freak me out. So: yay women's meetings.
Therapeutically speaking, I'm continuing to feel good about E. She totally gets it, "it" being whatever I've had to say so far. She keeps instructing me to be gentle with myself and to call out the inner critic whose favorite sport is flagellating my sad alcoholic ass. We discussed the shame vs. humility question and determined that I'm currently flooded with shame. (Shocking, eh?) This week I'm supposed to try to catch my brain in the act, identify the shame as it arises, and remind myself that it's a deception.
I have other homework. E gave me the names of some MDs she works with so that I can have my meds evaluated--I'm taking some Zoloft but maybe not enough, as I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and had an almost incapacitating episode of panic in the grocery store yesterday. (Fucking cleaning products. Who wouldn't lose it in that aisle?) So I need to make an appointment.
I'm also supposed to write up a daily schedule of some kind toward the goal of establishing a routine that includes time for work, exercise, and recovery stuff. (Addicts, go figure, tend to be lacking in discipline and in particular need of such tools.) And I have several worksheets to fill out about unmanageability as it relates to my drinking--unless doing so makes me too panicky or too ashamed. Hee. As if this could be avoided.
I feel more hopeful tonight than I have the last couple nights, that's for sure. Plus I'm still sober! So I hereby declare this Recovery Monday a success.
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Congratulations, eh! You've found a therapist who seems to know her stuff (and whom you like!) and are getting a sense of what meetings are good for you. Very good! :)
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