One week: a brief survey of the new now

I'm quietly celebrating. I haven't gone a week without drinking since--hmm--the mid-90s?

The cravings are sometimes strong, and I still dream about alcohol pretty much every night. The assorted griefs are strong as well and will require a lot of pondering and work to address over the next months.

Incredibly, I still have periodic bouts of denial. They don't last long, but there remains a part of me that sees myself as unlike many of the other alcoholics I encounter at meetings. My understanding is that this phenomenon is common. It's something to fight against because it increases the possibility of relapse--and, more to the point, because it's a big fat lie.

I'm also starting to glimpse the ways in which I've been selfish for a number of years. One of the casualties of this week is my former belief that I've been and am a rather excellent person. It's more true to say that I've acted out of my warped understanding of my own self-interest practically all the time, particularly during the past few years. Being sick and addicted tends to force that kind of behavior, as does living in ways untrue to my values.

It's also true that I have the potential to be a rather excellent person. Everyone does. So in writing the above I don't mean to sound like I'm beating on myself. It's more that I'm trying to be honest in a new way. I'm trying to grow.

Although my mind is clearer in some respects, I'm bothered by brain fog. I never genuinely gave any credence at all to the idea that I might be doing cognitive damage to myself when I was drinking. In fact, I never even thought about it. But this seems to be real. The sensation is one of fuzziness, like being partially but not entirely alert. I can drive just fine, and I'm reasonably passable at conversation. But I forget obvious things and fail to make obvious connections. My usual adeptness at sudoku has fled. I can't focus on my work for shit, which was also a problem before but has a different flavor now. That kind of thing.

All this too is apparently par for the sobriety course. The brain fog may last awhile, or not; it may come and go, or not. I can help myself by eating well and exercising.

Sobriety has turned my personal life completely upside down. A and I have broken up, as was inevitable if I was to remain sober. I'll be packing my things this week and moving them to my mom's place. I don't know how long I'll be staying here, but certainly for the summer. So I find myself 37 years old and moving back in with my mother because my life has become, as they say in AA, completely unmanageable.

Sometimes the aggregate of these many, rapid changes feel like a frighteningly heavy load. But more often, it's bearable. I think this is because I have so much support via family, friends, AA, and therapy. It's also because the AA meetings create hope for a better way of living. If I can remain honest and fully committed to getting healthy, my chances are pretty good. They're certainly a hell of a lot better than they were a month ago, or even 8 days ago. So right now I feel more gratitude than any other emotion. The icky ones are there for sure, but they aren't winning and I don't intend to let them.