Day Eighteen

Today was a rough day that turned into a better day, thanks to an AA meeting that dragged me out of my head and put a stop to yet another pity party. I seem to have practically no tools for coping with the slings and arrows of everyday life. It's as if I forgot, somewhere along my alcoholic way, how to be a grown-up. Or maybe I never quite learned? I remain confused on this point.

Happily, that part doesn't matter, since I'm trying to acquire those skills now and that's the only thing I can control. Better late than never and all that. It's about not drinking in response to stress, but also about not being an asshole while not drinking in response to stress. Then, too, it's about finding perspective, ideally a spiritual one, in a thoughtful and active way.

Anyhow, I got some bad news today about my health insurance, and it sent me into something of a tailspin. Essentially I need to find a benefits-offering job over the next few months, and if I can't, I'll have to move to a state with friendlier insurance regulations because I'm not going to be able to continue my current policy or buy a new one here once my COBRA runs out.

Whine, whine. I'm certainly not averse to working, but I am averse to desperation. I may have to make some tricky choices, e.g., would I rather stay in Arizona while working full-time at Petco (or a grocery store or wherever) or go somewhere else and start all over yet again?

I'm tired of starting over. I love the desert. I don't want to sacrifice my home to diabetes. Whine, whine, whine.

It probably goes without saying that I wanted quite a lot to drink quite a lot, right?

The meeting helped me see a few things I couldn't recognize at first. I think the most significant is that I don't have to force my will onto this situation in order to make peace with it. In fact, forcing my will onto it will preclude making peace with it. I can undertake appropriate actions to find a job and create a backup plan, and then I can (and should) let the rest of it go. Why? Because I'll be okay regardless of what happens.

I know this in part because there are people in AA who lost every possible thing, every fucking thing--home, job, money, family, everything--yet are now okay because they've found a better way of living. I'm learning about that way and I think it can work for me too. And it is not geographically specific or even tied to my blood glucose numbers (and thank the gods for that, sheesh).

I also know I'll be okay because okayness has something to do with the Non-God thing. I don't mean that I believe that a Higher Power is "watching over" me and will therefore protect me from the loss of health insurance, hee. I mean that if the HP is real, that realness means I'll be all right even if I do lose my insurance or have to move again or whatever. I think it's possible to view whatever happens as connected, in a positive and comforting way, to a larger whole that I can't perceive but that nevertheless exists.

Damn. I wonder if that makes any sense at all. I honestly can't tell, a sure sign of the imminent necessity of bedtime.