In which various things sink in

I reread my last post before I started this one. Wow. Bitter much? I understand it, yet I don't feel okay about it.

Last night was the hardest so far since I quit drinking. Approximately two minutes after I turned in the U-Haul, I felt that gut-punching wallop of grief I'd kinda figured was on the way. Loss and despair. You all know how it is.

My brain and body are finely tuned to want one thing when I'm in pain: A. Fucking. Drink. Right. Now. Thank. You. Very. Much.

I didn't have the drink. Along the way of not having it I cried a lot. I cried for A and for my old life, my drinking life. Not the bad parts, of course. The good parts. The medicinal parts, the fun parts, the sexy parts.

Then I thought about never drinking, ever again, and I cried more.

That thought, incidentally, is a gigantic AA no-no. It's just for today. Stay in the now. One day at a blah blah blah. At some point I remembered this, fed myself the right messages, and waited to feel better.

I also prayed.

When I got home, I cried some more. Mom was kind to me. My dog was a hero. The worst of it passed.

If it hadn't, I could've called some AA people. I'm sure that I would have before taking any drastic action in the drinking arena. So I'm okay. Not great, but okay, which for Day Fourteen coupled with adverse life events isn't too shabby.