Untimely

So I am thinking that I might not go to a meeting tonight.

What what what?!

It's not that I don't think I need meetings anymore. Ha. As if.

Here are the major activities of the day thus far:
1. walked dog
2. 6 hours at work
3. 1 hour at therapy
4. walked dog again
5. did a bunch of research on my free educational opportunities at the university where I work
6. did more research on volunteer possibilities, which I am not really ready for, just starting to think about

Here is what I still need to do today:
1. go to meeting
2. buy groceries
3. pick up prescription at pharmacy
4. blog (okay, half done there)
5. go to bed in less than 3 hours, because it's a work night and I always go to bed by 10:30 on work nights
5. should first work on projects A and B, but who am I kidding?
6. should also do some step work and/or therapy homework for E, but again...

None of this is by way of complaint, I should emphasize. I am clamlike--clamlike, I tell you--in my happiness at being sober, and home, and employed, and able to walk the dog, and in possession of a consistent, healthy bedtime. It's just that I can't figure out how to fit everything in, even with my half-assed part-time job and occasional piece of freelance work. Oh, I'm supposed to be exercising and meditating and doing yoga or somesuch too.

How the hell do people who have children ever recover from anything?

It's often said in AA that if you think you don't have time for meetings, just count the hours you used to spend drinking every day. This is a good point. I guess I now spend much more time working, though, than I did at the height of my drinking. And more time on therapy, obviously. And so forth. So the equation doesn't really even out.

Hence I think maybe I should take an occasional break from the daily meeting thing, given that my other activities are worthwhile and/or necessary to my well being. But here I become alarmed. Am I rationalizing a hidden desire to slack off or making an acceptable judgment call based on where I am in my sobriety and my life overall?

Some people--not that many, but some--go to a daily meeting forever. They just do. Others go a lot less once they hit a certain point, though the timing of that point varies. My sponsor (6 years) goes two or three times a week, and her sponsor (24 years) goes twice a week. I'm sure that I need to go almost every day, and I will for a long time.

I'm playing with this idea: if it's a therapy day, and if I am in a good place mentally, it's okay to not go to a meeting. Better to go to one, but okay not to go. Especially if it's a work day too.

Damn, this probably reads like a manifesto of cult membership to those of you who haven't done the 12-step thingie. It's not that I think I'm going to wander down the street and buy a bottle of wine if I skip tonight's meeting. It's that I've learned from other alcoholics that the path to relapse starts with a small rationalization here and there. You skip a meeting, then you skip another, and then you just kind of quit going. And then life throws you a curve ball and your defenses are down. And then you drink.

My feeling right now is that I'm truly reaching for sanity at the moment, not sliding into complacency. But I can't take that for granted as a general rule; I still need to think consciously and carefully every time I consider missing a meeting. Tonight I'll make a point of doing some recovery work before bedtime. It'll be interesting to see how my moodiness fares over the next day--right now I'm okey-dokey, and it'd be nice to stay that way for longer than 12 hours.