AFGO

That's Ju-speak for Another Fucking Growth Opportunity.

Hee!

I had one today. A woman at my job was nasty about a mistake I made--pointing it out to someone higher than us and noting that while she didn't know how it had happened, SHE hadn't done it. (I was the only other person who could have made the error. Coincidentally, she copied me on the email in which she covered her ass.)

The mental downward spiral that ensued from this point kind of embarrasses me now, but it shouldn't have come as a surprise. I can't stand having my competence called into question (especially when the calling is merited), and I truly can't stand it when someone is mean to me.

See, why would anybody want to be mean to me? I am so nice, after all. If someone's mean to me, the only possible explanation is that I'm wrong about the niceness. Which would mean that I suck and am bad and etc. So meanness is terribly disarming for me.

I worked hard through the afternoon, with little success, at purging my mind of this woman's behavior. I reminded myself that her opinion of me is none of my business, as they say in AA. I reassured myself as to the security of my job and my relative well-being should I lose the job. Blah blah blah.

By the time I got to my meeting tonight, I was consumed with resentment and hurt. And that is when I learned the acronym above and decided that I must be in the midst of an AFGO. Goody gumdrops.

Oddly, this realization alone made me feel better--if only because Mean Lady probably isn't growing at all right now, whilst I, Courageous Alcoholic Girl, am learning to reinvent my self image and heal my inner whatsits.

Yeah, I know: This is probably not the kind of growth Ju had in mind. But I guess sometimes we have to fall back on whatever gets us through the night and is not alcohol or some other drug. Maybe I'll grow for real tomorrow.