Gratitude list, part something in a series

My sponsor has given me a new daily assignment: list five things I'm grateful for. So here I am, even though I'm feeling stressed and not especially grateful for all that much. Which I suppose is the point of the assignment.

1. My job, even though I don't enjoy most of it, oh woe is me.

2. Ability to mock my plaintiveness when necessary.

3. Having good health insurance.

4. The dog continues to mend well.

5. This one writer guy I like rather a lot.

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Today I came to understand during a meeting that I have gotten a bit off course, program-wise. To put it more directly, my priorities are fucked up. Moving out of Mom's house when I did, though a great move for my sanity, has landed me in a financial pickle the likes of which my sobriety could do without.

It all worked fine on paper. Really, it did.

Now I feel like I need to explain how I'm truly not a lazy sack of sober alcoholic. Bah.

But the point I want to get at is not the financial stuff itself, it's that I made the decision to move without honestly forcing myself to look at the various ways the decision might impact my sobriety. I looked at the ones I wanted to see and decided the others just weren't very likely at all. I did what I wanted, not what was best for me.

Huh. Go figure. Me, making choices based on an urge for immediate gratification?

Mhm.

That probably sounds harsh, but I'm kind of gently amused by myself too. It's so hard to be truly self-aware, even when I'm more committed to that project than ever before.

So I needed space and privacy and boundaries, and I couldn't figure out to get those things at my mom's house without getting into conflict, and I can't stomach conflict, so I concluded that I had to get out in order to stay sober. Hee. Now I find myself under far more stress than I'd anticipated, with far less energy than I'd hoped. It's not so good.

Let us be unsurprised, then, if I retreat again to Mom's in the next month or two. If, that is, I can get out of my lease. (Oh good, more anxiety!)

In the interim, back to basics. I need to spend more time doing high-quality recovery stuff. Maybe get back to blogging every day. Also need to refocus on the spirituality quest, which keeps getting bumped aside in the wake of quotidian stressors. I need to hang more with my mentors, people like Ja and Ju.

There are so few hours in the day, and I spend a lot of them seriously worn out. But sober, yay, and willing to go to any length to stay that way.