You are invited

Okay, who wants to go Fourth Stepping with me?

Yeah, the searching and fearless moral inventory.

You don't have to tell me you're doing it or write about it here, of course. Or anywhere. I'm sure as hell not going to post mine online. Bits of it, probably, but not most of it.

I am, however, willing to write about the process so that those inclined can experiment with it themselves. Maybe it will be less daunting if I can imagine I'm not doing it alone.

This step is all about self-discovery, gaining insight. It's not meant to be about shaming oneself or wallowing in one's fuckups. But it is meant to be honest.

There seem to be many ways to do Step Four. The Big Book describes one way; I have a couple of step books that offer others; you can find even more on various websites. My current plan is to sample quite a few of them and try to figure out what will help me most. It's gonna take a while.

Right now, for example, I'm working on an exercise from a book called A Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps. The Fourth Step in this book is like 40 pages long, eep. Many, many questions. Here's where I am at the moment:

List 20 specific instances in which you have failed to take responsibility for yourself and your actions by lying, manipulating, covering up, etc. (Examples: lied to X about why I missed that deadline so I wouldn't get in trouble; lied to Mom about my finances to keep her from getting upset with me; hid my feelings from A to avoid conflict.)

List 20 specific instances in which you have taken responsibility for yourself and your actions. (Examples: acknowledged my alcohol problem and sought help; told Y the truth about having hurt feelings and talked through the issues; kept commitment to stay in touch with sponsor.)

Twenty is a lot. I'm writing both lists at once so as not to be swallowed by the irresponsibility one. But it's a much easier list to make than its sunnier companion, alas.

(Does "fed cat and dog" count???)