Musings at number five

Candy is dandy,
But liquor is quicker.
--Ogden Nash

When I woke up this morning, and for a few hours thereafter, I thought that maybe I wouldn't drink at all today. As I type this twelve hours later, I'm on my fifth. But who's counting?

Oh, right. I am.

For those who appreciate the details of these matters, that's four glasses of wine and one beer. The beer is more a gesture of rebellion than anything else. It was that or walk to the corner store for more wine, and since I decided a few days ago not to buy wine anymore (except, um, for the bottle I bought earlier today, I mean), my choices were limited.

Okay, okay. One additional choice: not have anything more to drink tonight. Therewith entered the rebellion, see?

That's what it's like these days, drinking and me. Our rapport, long a dear and treasured friendship, has gone somewhat awry. I'm hovering in a grey, unfamiliar zone between complete denial and what may or may not be melodramatic exaggeration of what may or may not be a serious addiction. My perception of reality is skewed, the dog refuses to answer my questions, and my boyfriend is pretty sure that I just need to cut back a little.

Meanwhile, I've had some pretty kickass blood sugars today. People who take insulin, as I do, aren't supposed to drink as much as I do. The biology of this rule is too complex to tackle on drink #5, but in brief, heavy drinking can supposedly fuck up insulin users rather badly in ways beyond the usual. I've been drinking moderately for the last few years and hard for the last few months, and I've yet to experience this phenomenon. I live a charmed so-called life, I guess.

My vision for this blog is that it may serve as an aid through whatever's to come, which my intuition tells me is likely to suck severely. Confronting an addiction, if I am, and if it is one--I make no promises on either point--will be superfantastically unfun. Diabetes was already comparably unfun, and for reasons not yet clear to me I feel as though the two are related. Maybe there are people out there who are doing what I may end up doing, and maybe I'll meet them by writing about my stuff. Or maybe I'll just feel a bit better by bleating about it now and then.

Baa, baa.