Ambivalence

In the light and sobriety of daytime I'm uncomfortable, to put it mildly, about having started this blog and told a couple of friends about it. What an embarrassment. If I need to quit drinking, so what? Just quit, honey. Nobody needs to know. And certainly nobody needs to freaking watch.

Trouble is, I need people to know, if not necessarily watch. I don't trust myself at this point to remain accountable without external influences. That doesn't mean that if I've sent you this URL I'm expecting or hoping that you'll start policing my usage. Indeed, I would suggest that you do nothing of the kind. (Could get pretty ugly...) All it means, if you're reading this as a result of hearing from me, is that I trust you.

Accountability aside, I also feel pretty alone with this issue right now. I'm working on making those phone calls that will render me both less alone and more accountable, but in the meantime I need to extend myself toward the world, reveal my secrets, work through some of the first layers of shame if possible. I don't think I'll be able to confront my situation with even semi-full awareness unless I'm talking to people.

Yeah, I know all about AA. The Higher Power thing is a big, big problem for me. And I loathe slogans, especially the kind that call to mind mediocre sitcoms of the 1970s.

And I'm afraid. Really very quite afraid.

So...maybe AA later, maybe never, but definitely not today.

Kind of like quitting, in fact. Heh, go figure.