This is one of those really-want-an-effing-drink nights. Welcome to 1.058 years, everyone.
It's just stress and self-pity. The worst of it is already past, I think. I can call any of a number of people if it keeps up. Plus I'm safe in an alcohol-free house, so it would take considerable effort to act on the desire.
This is going to happen to me for the rest of my life.
I wish I'd never taken a drink. Most alcoholics remember the first time they drank, but I don't. It would have been sometime during college. It wasn't anything all that special to me until a few years later. Sneaked up on me, it did. Stealthy little demon.
I've been pretty sick lately. I'm currently in week seven, give or take, of diagnostic limbo. Found out today that I have to have rectal surgery (oh fuck oh fuck) to have a benign polyp removed. But that has nothing to do with whatever's been making me sick; it's just something incidental they found while trying to figure out what's going on. More tests to come.
It's so inconvenient, having a body. I'd like to be a head in a jar, I really would. Though I'd probably miss having thumbs at some point.
Deep breath.
This is what this is like.
At least there are words. Words help. Time also helps. Time passes; feelings pass. Everything passes.
This feeling has passed. It'll come back, and I'll do this again, and then again, and then again.
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Sorry to hear you're still feeling poorly physically. That's got to make things tougher. Hope things improve soon on all fronts.
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Been rereading your blog and want to add my two cents here. Yeah, you're right that this will always be with you in one form or another. I want to suggest (and you can tell me to fuck off if it's unwelcome, of course, and know I won't take offense in any way) that the form is subject to serious change over time. "Over time" is such a fucking irritating phrase when one is hurting and I'm using it anyway because it's important. I hear it over and over again from my clients that they are surprised (frightened, but surprised) when a craving/urge/dream hits them, after a long absence of such experiences. These are people with long stretches of sobriety behind them, but they say almost universally that those long stretches of sobriety snuck up on them, much like their dependencies did in the first place. Maybe this is a longer way of saying "it gets easier," but I think I am trying to communicate more than that. I wish I had the right words to make it clear just what in the hell I am trying to say... I guess the basic message is that the more time you have, the easier it's going to be to get more time, and the less the horribly painful urges will dare to show their ugly, hateful little demon faces.
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