Blogiversary

I keep starting posts and then trashing them unfinished. I think it's because the approaching anniversary of my sobriety feels much more complex than I'd like, and not in a wise or particularly uplifting way. Each time I try to write about where I am now I find myself unable to say anything as glowy or even as vaguely optimistic as One Year would seem to merit.

It's not that everything sucks. It's just that everything is. Getting sober has given me nothing more or less than an opportunity to witness and experience my unfolding life in a (more-or-less) cognizant state. That is a big effing deal, absolutely, but it brings with it all kinds of troubles. Better troubles than those I had before, to be sure, but troubles nonetheless. Which is just life.

On lots of days I feel that this opportunity is cause to celebrate. I'm sure I'll feel that way again soon, maybe within minutes but surely within days at the most. Just now, though, I feel sad. I'm not sad to be sober, but I'm sad to be without E (we had our last appointment a few days ago), sad to be in the midst of scary health stuff and therefore feeling crappy, sad to be doing an unfulfilling job for the sake of health insurance. Sad to be feeling spiritually empty as well.

I recognize that I need to be wary of self-pity. Indeed, I feel grateful for lots of things, sobriety among them. Maybe it's just a bit of a hard time.

Anyhow, I started this blog a year ago tonight. I felt desperate then, and terrified. I don't feel that way now, life notwithstanding. I feel a bit run down, it's true, but I'm here in mind as well as body. This is much more than I could say for myself a year ago. Hence I'm kicking off my celebration of sobriety even though I don't feel particularly happy at the moment. It's Day 357 (give or take), and I am glad to be alive.