Danger: freethinking ahead

Yesterday I was warned by my therapist not to let my penchant for overanalysis derail my recovery.

We were talking about the sense of disconnection I've felt lately with what used to be my program. My sponsor and her sponsor, who were for a long time a constant and a comfort, are no longer around. AA has morphed into an uncomfortable mix of nausea and insight, liberally salted with cheerful camaraderie and less cheerful mental acrobatics. A non-AA meeting I'm now attending (SOS, which I'll write more about in a future post), is great but meets only once a week and has very few women.

E knows that telling me not to think for myself is a surefire way to incite rebellion. But she nevertheless pointed out that while I can pick AA apart all I want to, it was undeniably helpful to me for a long time and I was happy about that. If AA isn't right for me anymore, what am I going to do instead to ensure continued sobriety and growth?

Two very separate points, I think. To me, the message of "Don't overthink your way into a place where you become so miserable that you take a drink" comes dangerously close to telling me not to worry my pretty little head about all these complicated oligies (psych-, the-, socio-, etc.) because I just might not be able to handle it. Best not to get too smart for my own good, eh?

On the other hand, the question of "Okay, so now what?" is constructive and (at least potentially) empowering. Nor am I happy with the status quo, program-wise, so I agree it's a good idea to address that.

(Aside: As much as I respect E and as helpful as she's been to me, this kind of thing is terribly frustrating. Nobody should have to suspend their critical thinking in order to get or remain sober. Her stance is all too typical in the recovery industry, which is one of the reasons I've become interested in working in the field. There seems to be a dearth of rigorous intellectual inquiry, which I find shocking in, y'know, pretty much any life-or-death scenario.)

To return to the question of the program: What I think I need is a flexible daily practice that includes elements such as connection with sober people (especially women), introspection, self-care, influx of new ideas/reading material, and continual restocking of my sobriety toolbox--i.e., the various cognitive tricks and emergency plans that can help me get through challenging moments. Over the next few weeks I'll be writing here about these elements and how I hope to integrate them into a functional individualized program.